cognitive dissonance

Today I’ve joined Dr. Patrick Finerty, Jr. on the veranda of his lovely cottage high in the Cascade mountains of Washington state.

A small stream runs alongside the house, the sound of which is interrupted periodically by calls from the blue birds and crows that are common in this forested retreat. We’re here to talk about his abuse of nature and why he feels his lame photos justify such awful behavior.

Gee, thanks for the introduction, I think.

Patrick, can you tell me a little about these two photos?

Please, didn’t your editor tell you the rules of our meeting? If you want this interview to last any longer than it already has you can refer to me as Dr. Finerty, or, if absolutely necessary, as ‘ that jerk I had to interview the other day’. However, you may not use my first name as if you know me. I think you and your readers know that is not the case.

Thank you for making me feel at home here, Dr. Finerty. I always enjoy it when interviews start with a little confrontation that makes my stomach go into knots. Anyway, what was your inspiration for those photos?

Well, I bought a new camera recently so I’ve been trying to use it. I’ve also been playing with an off-camera flash so I can get more dramatic lighting when I want to do that.

Off-camera flash? What’s that about?

The basic idea is to avoid the harsh, direct light normally provided by the flashes that are built into most cameras or with those flashes that attach to the camera via the hotshoe. By moving the flash off the camera you can use it to balance (fill) the naturally present light or just to avoid generating harsh shadows that look like you’re using an unnatural light source.

Ok. That makes some sense, I think. Let’s say I was a beginner at this sort of thing. Where would you suggest I go for more information?

Google is your friend, dear interviewer.

Right. Perhaps instead of being a giant asshole, which I know is difficult for you to avoid, you could actually provide some sort of useful information instead.

Fine. I’ll hold your hand a little while longer. What you really want to do is to check out the Strobist web site blog item. It is infinitely more informative and useful than myself. Also, there are pretty pictures.

Earlier today, the weather was sunny. As a result this interviewer was in an especially good mood and used that natural high to get through some disgusting work, namely going through garbage. Probably you think this is not the kind of work that a well-dressed person like myself would have to suffer but, in the end, I was able to get a most fascinating story. A story about death, destruction, hate, love, the way the world really works and why humans will never care if frogs go extinct.

It all started back in July, when I was in Nicaragua, tracking the ever elusive Dr. Patrick Finerty. He was last seen entering the forest two months ago and I desperately needed to ask him about something - something that could change the course of history. Ok. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but who is this reporter to judge?

Dr. Finerty, the other day I was rooting through your trash and came across some packaging for some photography-related items.

Uh, ok. You were what? Why are going through my trash? I hardly even buy things!

Anyway, as I said, I was going through your trash and came across the packaging for something called “Kenko extension tubes“. I guess I have a couple of questions about them.

First, why do you have them? Second, can they be reconfigured to cause the end of the universe as we know it?

You seem rather aggressive for a reporter just asking about extension tubes. What’s up?

Dr. Finerty, as you recall, answering these questions is not optional. Stop screwing around and get to the point.

Right. So, I have these items so I can put them between the camera body and my lovely Sigma 150mm f/2.8 macro lens. This makes small items even bigger. Here are some photos for a straight-ahead comparison. That should make you happy, pictures and not words!!!

Without and with:

To answer your second question. No, they cannot be reconfigured to cause the end of anything. They’re just plastic and metal tubes with some bits of wiring.

Hmm… on second thought, you never know. These could probably be reconfigured to purify uranium. Uh, I gotta go. Bye.

Today I’m talking to President George Bush (currently being impersonated by Dr. Patrick Finerty, who doesn’t really look or sound like the President but, what the hell else is he gonna do?) about his life as president of the USA. Mr. President, I have to say you’re not looking so good today, possibly as though you haven’t slept for a couple of days and, I’m not sure how to ask you this, but, are you drunk right now?

Well, I have to admit that I’ve loaded up on booze and quaalude’s and a touch of coke as well (just to take the edge off the alcohol, ya know). But really, how the H E double toothpicks can you ask the President that sort of question?

Mr. President, you’re freakin’ weird sometimes. What’s the one thing that you’d like the American people to remember about your presidency?

It was interesting. Also that they learned things. Learned about how great this country can be when we all pull together, like those nice families down in Texas, pullin’ together, maybe too close sometimes but stayin’ together and fightin’ for each other.

So, that’s two things Mr. President. Anyway, that doesn’t seem to matter much any more since, uh, you’re talking about the polygamists down in Texas, right? The ones who were marrying 14 year old girls to 60 year old men?

I’m just sayin’ that America pulled together once and we can do it again. If we all just pull together real hard, give it our best, we can prevail at anything.

Are you saying that we can defeat the Iraqis by simply having a unified opinion about the war?

Listen Bobby, you don’t mind if I call you Bobby, right? Listen, Americans are only being shown  negative impressions of our efforts of winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqian people. Now, put yourself in the Iraqian’s shoes, or sandals, or, uh, in, uh, place, their place and think how you would feel if you saw all of America saying they were in it until every last Iraqian had tasted the sweet fruit of democracy.

Bobby, they would know. They. Would. Know.

What would they know, Mr. President?

That we’re gonna win. That we’re not going anywhere. Ever. For. like, what did Johnny Mac say? Ten thousand years we’re gonna be there, growing democracy on big ol’ American democracy trees so the Iraqians can taste that sweet fruit. It’s too bad they don’t drink though, it tastes great with vodka.

So, projecting a positive attitude will win the war? Doesn’t that seem a little simplistic to you? Don’t you think they want us to leave and will keep trying to kill us pretty much until can’t any more, since we have killed them? Do you see this as a fight to the end?

Wow Bobby, that’s some depressing crap, man. Why are you trying to bring me down like that? Hell, it’s freakin’ Friday and I’ve been waiting all day to chill and this is the last thing between me and not thinking for the rest of the day and you put it like that? I think I need a nap now, you’re making me too sad. I know the Iraqians want to taste democracy and I won’t be remembered as the President who quit trying to help them get it.

Right. Good luck with that. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today.

One day you just might need him or at least one of the books he has written. You know the story, it happens every fall when you finally get out your dark clothes, fleeces and sweaters. It’s everywhere.

Lint.

It’s suddenly on everything and the next thing you know you’re trying to pick it off with homemade double-sided tape or going through those sticky lint-removing roller items like they’re free candy at the dentist’s office.

When this happens to you, you’re going to be glad you heard of Dr. Roger Röb, the worlds expert on lint and lint tracking. I joined Dr. Röb in his spacious office on the campus of the University of South Eastern New Jersey. We talked about his career as a lint tracker over a tasty meal of sashimi in his private dining room. In spite of the overcast day, it was surprisingly bright, with windows on two sides, and the smell of Pledge furniture polish (original, not lemon scented) in the air, probably from a recent buffing given to the dark wood shelves that lined his office. As I gazed across the rows of books, mostly tomes about the physical sciences, I also spied a few books of poetry and short stories by Beat Generation era authors, likely remants from Dr. Röb’s undergraduate years at Berkeley (apparently spent in an LSD-induced haze).

Dr. Röb, thank you for allowing me to join you today.

Well, it’s not like I really had a choice in the matter. My Dean thinks your sister is really cute, so here we are, for better or worse. At least the food is excellent, no?

The food is quite good. Also, you didn’t really need to bring up my sister, but thanks for reminding me. I need to pick up a birthday present for her today.

So, we’re here to talk about lint and, specifically, lint tracking. Is there anything you’d like to start with?

Well, I suppose we can talk about lint instead of your hot sister, but it’s really not as entertaining.

I think it will be most entertaining to our readers, though.

More.

More what?

Of nothing.

More. Not most. You said “most entertaining” but we were only talking about two options. Most is only used when you choosing the best of three or more options. Otherwise you have to use “more”. Make sense?

Uh. Fine then. Pedantic much?

Sometimes.

So, I’m curious about something, if you don’t mind indulging me by not talking about lint for a moment.

Maybe for one moment only.

Uh, what is wrong with you? How do you pronounce an underlined word, exactly?

Right.

Anyway, as I was saying, we’ve already established that your sister is hot. Your readers may have seen a photo of you with some of your articles, but I’d like just to add that you’re also quite striking. In fact, it’s been rather distracting trying to speak about lint with you.

Well, thanks but you do realize we haven’t actually talked about lint yet?

No, not really. I guess what I’m wondering, and maybe this could help me with my Dean, is whether you and your sister ever got together with a guy and…

Please let me stop you here before you embarrass both of us.

Somehow I don’t see myself being embarrassed about this. Anyway, have you two ever had a little, uh, fun, so to speak, together?

I’m sorry but I think we’ll have to end the interview here. Thanks for your time, I think. I’ll be sure to mention your comments to my sister who can pass them along to your Dean.

That’s too bad. I really wanted to tell you about this lovely blue shirt I saw at a client’s house recently. It had the most perfect piece of lint! I even have a photo to show you (see the photo at the top of this article -ed.)

Uh, fine then, go ahead. Is blue your favorite color?

Uh, no. Whatever gave you that idea? I’m pretty sure I didn’t mention it.

Are you playing a game here or something? You just described a shirt as a lovely shade of blue.

Right. So I can’t admire a piece of clothing without revealing my inner soul to you? Maybe I was just trying to be descriptive, ya know, trying to paint a picture in your reader’s heads, so to speak. Like, if, say, I started to talk about how I’m going crazy trying not to stare at how perfectly your long brown hair and wonderfully curvy eyebrows frame your deep green eyes. Ya know, something like that.

Right. So, it’s green then.

Yeah, green. NOT.

Go to grade school much? How about we get back to the lint.

Alright, if that’s what you prefer. Here’s the basic deal, in a nifty outline format:

Lint tracking is basically a three-step process that goes roughly like this:

1. Photograph clothing, upholstery, carpets, towels and other lint generating items to produce a catalog of possible lint sources at the site
2. Photograph and catalog lint found on various pieces of clothing (e.g. mostly light/dark dark/light lint:clothing combinations)
3. Use advanced software running ultra-mega-highly(®) specialized neural-net genetic mutation algorithm (with extra sauce, naturally) to match a piece of lint with it’s source almost instaneously.

Holy cow. I understand outlines but how do you speak indented like that? Kung fu speech master!

Yeah, anyway, I gave your editor some photos and I think you said they would be shown in the article so perhaps we can talk about those and you can just use the remarks about the ones you show, OK?

Sounds good.

The images below illustrate a common problem in many tree-hugging, nature loving, freako environmentalist’s homes. Everywhere I looked I found prominent white lint-type particles on the clothing. Fortunately, this was an easy problem to diagnose; ubiquitous down particulate matter with miscellaneous other fibers present as well:

Down fibers:

Miscellaneous fibers:

In the end I tracked the problem down to a somewhat leaky down jacket. I showed them how to fashion a simple patch from duct tape and the lint problem went away within two weeks.

Interesting. That seems kind of obvious though. I’m not sure how you can make money or even a career out this type of work.

I’m sorry you’re not sure about that.

Is there money to be made in tracking lint?

Maybe. I’ll never tell.

Dr. Röb, thanks for taking the time to talk with us today. Now I’m off to get drunk in a probably futile attempt to destroy any memories I have of this meeting.

Dr. Finerty, let me start by saying what a pleasure it is to be speaking with you today. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’ve been interested in rock climbing for years, even though it’s scary and also seems a little pointless. It’s such a nice day outside, perhaps you’d like to walk with me to the garden, where we can sit and chat over lemonade.

Only if it has vodka in it. I’m not too interested in fruit juices, in and of themselves. However, they do make a satisfactory diluent for alcohol so I’ll acquiesce this time.

Gee, thanks for the vocabulary lesson. So, if you don’t mind, can you please tell us why you like rock climbing so much?

Who said I liked rock climbing?

Well, I mean, you seem to spend an awful lot of time rock climbing so I just assumed you like it.

Right. I also spend a lot of time breathing and sleeping but that’s just because those are things that I do. It doesn’t mean I love them*.

*NOTE: In actuality I love to breath and sleep. I just said that other stuff to make a point. Do you ever do that too? I mean, take the other side of an argument for fun?

Ok. It’s weird that you get to make footnote type references in your interviews. How does that sound when you’re talking? Anyway, moving forward, as they say in the biz, what is it about rock climbing that you find appealing?

Well, it’s pretty hard or at least I try to make it that way periodically. Sometimes it’s a bit scary but that’s usually only the first time on a route when I think it’s going to be harder than it really is. So, I guess I like the challenges, both physical and mental.

Wow. That’s a sweet and yet oh so generic and uninformative response! I think I read that same statement in the 1982 Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition in the interview with one of the models. She used it to describe why she liked modeling. Would you say climbing is a lot like modeling?

No.

Really? Because, well, she said, well, she said the same thing you did. Don’t you think modeling is physical? Models have to work out and then walk, or maybe strut, just so. And, they have to get it right every time. Climbers can at least fall off and try again. What do you think about that?

I think you’re trying to provoke me you, you, whatever. Listen, climbing is a lot like modeling in that we all try to look as stylin’ as possible when performing gymnastic feats high above in a vertical world most people have nightmares about visiting.

Thank you for sharing. Also, I forgot to mention this but I would prefer it if you could change out of your bath robe for the next interview. As you recall, we are trying to maintain a veneer of professionalism around here.

I’m sitting on the rooftop patio of studio 6 at the Turner Broadcasting Center in downtown Atlanta with Dr. Patrick Finerty, Jr. It’s a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining and a cool breeze wafts air perfumed by the nearby blossoming trees our way at unexpected intervals. Patrick, with short-cropped salt and pepper hair, is wearing some black Doc Martens with blue jeans and a lovely yellow polo shirt.

We’re here to talk about, well, exactly, what it is that Dr. Finerty does during most days. So, how about a brief introduction for us?

Basically, I work for an organization that measures the 3D shape of proteins so we can get information about how they work. We think that this information helps us to understand what goes wrong when you get sick and then to possibly do something about it.

So, you want to cure diseases or something? Do you actually believe that? I mean, how many new drugs have been produced because of your work?

Uh. None. I don’t think there are any actually.

Is that your idea of success?

No. My idea of success is sending a hard route or getting a difficult experiment to work well. Is asking these ridiculous questions your idea of success?

Right. So, the reason there aren’t any nifty new therapies is because the results of our research is too recent for the work to have progressed that far.

Anyway, since you seem pretty clueless (here, have two, they’re cheap), please allow me to do your job for you. That’s not what we should be talking about. You should ask me how we measure the protein’s shape or something tricky like that, ya know? Or maybe about how we can tell when a protein sticks to something. Or even, like, what the hell is a protein anyway?

I see you’ve decided to try to run the interview today. I’m not sure why you think you get to ask the questions here but I can tell you it’s gonna get old fast so put a sock in in it, Chatty Cathy. Now, shall we continue?

Uhhh, yeah, whatever. I’m just trying help here. You seem to be struggling a little or maybe you’re just uncomfortable in those unbelievably tight jeans, which I appreciate, I might add.

Uh, thanks. Thank you oh so much for sharing. So, about these proteins. What kind of camera do you need to take those amazing protein pictures you have up in your fabulously decorated laboratory?

A really, really nice one. Also, it uses x-rays instead of visible light. And it doesn’t have lenses so we have to use some tricky math to translate the x-ray pattern into something that makes sense to you and me.

So, do you use X-rays just because it sounds cool or is there some scientific reason?

It turns out that you have to use a wavelength of light that is similar to the size of the features you’re trying to see so that’s why we use the X-rays. X-ray light has very small wavelengths and can resolve atomic-level details. The wavelength of light that people use to see, like with our eyes, is actually pretty big, around 400 nm. That’s giant in terms of the size of proteins so we need X-rays, which do not have giant wavelengths, but are just right.

Gee, that wasn’t as painful to understand to as my editor told me it would be. I’m not even bleeding out of my ears yet but, in spite of that, I find myself wanting to leave. Perhaps we should wrap things up here, ok?

Fine with me. The time next it’s a sunny day and you’d like to interview me I’d prefer it to be a beach setting with you in a nice sarong or something instead of those tight jeans, which I enjoy, but aren’t really a good outfit for the beach.

Well, I’ll certainly take that advice under consideration should I ever find myself having to spend time with you again. Thanks so much for making my day a bit more weird and slightly unpleasant.

Mr. Photographer person, what possessed you to take such a blurry photo of that woman?

Well, it was raining really hard outside and, well, it was a dark and stormy night as well. Really, it was. People rapidly ran through the streets trying to avoid becoming one with the wet, but to no avail. They really knew water. You know water?

They were running and it was raining so hard it was hard to see leaving them mere blurs of people and cars. A middle-aged Chinese man was riding against the wind in a regular coat (not a rain coat) and just getting hammered by the rain and wind. I’ve been in that a bunch of times so I know what he was enjoying and it made me smile.

Right. You kinda talk a lot about stupid things. What’s up with that? Are you from some weird small town or what?

No small towns, really. Are you trying to provoke me or something?

Maybe. I’m a little bored. Do you have any other photos?

Yeah, didn’t you see all of those on the side there already? Sometimes I think I should just poke out my eyes so I can experience the world the way you do. Here’s one I shot right after that woman went by. I think she was running for a car but maybe not this one.

Today I am interviewing the overly pedantic Dr. Patrick Finerty, Jr. about his new blog item, in which he conducts interviews, mostly of himself, as well as shows some lovely photos now and again, or so it would appear.

So, Mr. Finerty, how would you describe yourself in one word or less?

Hmmm. “Jerk”, I guess. But, please, there’s no need to be so formal, call me Dr. Finerty.

Can you tell us what can we expect to see here on this new blog item of yours?

Photos. Probably there will be quite a few photos since I just picked up a new camera and I should probably use it for something.

Well, that was most illuminating. We certainly look forward to future interviews. Have a great day.

Thanks. You too. I’m off to take some photos.