cognitive dissonance

One day you just might need him or at least one of the books he has written. You know the story, it happens every fall when you finally get out your dark clothes, fleeces and sweaters. It’s everywhere.

Lint.

It’s suddenly on everything and the next thing you know you’re trying to pick it off with homemade double-sided tape or going through those sticky lint-removing roller items like they’re free candy at the dentist’s office.

When this happens to you, you’re going to be glad you heard of Dr. Roger Röb, the worlds expert on lint and lint tracking. I joined Dr. Röb in his spacious office on the campus of the University of South Eastern New Jersey. We talked about his career as a lint tracker over a tasty meal of sashimi in his private dining room. In spite of the overcast day, it was surprisingly bright, with windows on two sides, and the smell of Pledge furniture polish (original, not lemon scented) in the air, probably from a recent buffing given to the dark wood shelves that lined his office. As I gazed across the rows of books, mostly tomes about the physical sciences, I also spied a few books of poetry and short stories by Beat Generation era authors, likely remants from Dr. Röb’s undergraduate years at Berkeley (apparently spent in an LSD-induced haze).

Dr. Röb, thank you for allowing me to join you today.

Well, it’s not like I really had a choice in the matter. My Dean thinks your sister is really cute, so here we are, for better or worse. At least the food is excellent, no?

The food is quite good. Also, you didn’t really need to bring up my sister, but thanks for reminding me. I need to pick up a birthday present for her today.

So, we’re here to talk about lint and, specifically, lint tracking. Is there anything you’d like to start with?

Well, I suppose we can talk about lint instead of your hot sister, but it’s really not as entertaining.

I think it will be most entertaining to our readers, though.

More.

More what?

Of nothing.

More. Not most. You said “most entertaining” but we were only talking about two options. Most is only used when you choosing the best of three or more options. Otherwise you have to use “more”. Make sense?

Uh. Fine then. Pedantic much?

Sometimes.

So, I’m curious about something, if you don’t mind indulging me by not talking about lint for a moment.

Maybe for one moment only.

Uh, what is wrong with you? How do you pronounce an underlined word, exactly?

Right.

Anyway, as I was saying, we’ve already established that your sister is hot. Your readers may have seen a photo of you with some of your articles, but I’d like just to add that you’re also quite striking. In fact, it’s been rather distracting trying to speak about lint with you.

Well, thanks but you do realize we haven’t actually talked about lint yet?

No, not really. I guess what I’m wondering, and maybe this could help me with my Dean, is whether you and your sister ever got together with a guy and…

Please let me stop you here before you embarrass both of us.

Somehow I don’t see myself being embarrassed about this. Anyway, have you two ever had a little, uh, fun, so to speak, together?

I’m sorry but I think we’ll have to end the interview here. Thanks for your time, I think. I’ll be sure to mention your comments to my sister who can pass them along to your Dean.

That’s too bad. I really wanted to tell you about this lovely blue shirt I saw at a client’s house recently. It had the most perfect piece of lint! I even have a photo to show you (see the photo at the top of this article -ed.)

Uh, fine then, go ahead. Is blue your favorite color?

Uh, no. Whatever gave you that idea? I’m pretty sure I didn’t mention it.

Are you playing a game here or something? You just described a shirt as a lovely shade of blue.

Right. So I can’t admire a piece of clothing without revealing my inner soul to you? Maybe I was just trying to be descriptive, ya know, trying to paint a picture in your reader’s heads, so to speak. Like, if, say, I started to talk about how I’m going crazy trying not to stare at how perfectly your long brown hair and wonderfully curvy eyebrows frame your deep green eyes. Ya know, something like that.

Right. So, it’s green then.

Yeah, green. NOT.

Go to grade school much? How about we get back to the lint.

Alright, if that’s what you prefer. Here’s the basic deal, in a nifty outline format:

Lint tracking is basically a three-step process that goes roughly like this:

1. Photograph clothing, upholstery, carpets, towels and other lint generating items to produce a catalog of possible lint sources at the site
2. Photograph and catalog lint found on various pieces of clothing (e.g. mostly light/dark dark/light lint:clothing combinations)
3. Use advanced software running ultra-mega-highly(®) specialized neural-net genetic mutation algorithm (with extra sauce, naturally) to match a piece of lint with it’s source almost instaneously.

Holy cow. I understand outlines but how do you speak indented like that? Kung fu speech master!

Yeah, anyway, I gave your editor some photos and I think you said they would be shown in the article so perhaps we can talk about those and you can just use the remarks about the ones you show, OK?

Sounds good.

The images below illustrate a common problem in many tree-hugging, nature loving, freako environmentalist’s homes. Everywhere I looked I found prominent white lint-type particles on the clothing. Fortunately, this was an easy problem to diagnose; ubiquitous down particulate matter with miscellaneous other fibers present as well:

Down fibers:

Miscellaneous fibers:

In the end I tracked the problem down to a somewhat leaky down jacket. I showed them how to fashion a simple patch from duct tape and the lint problem went away within two weeks.

Interesting. That seems kind of obvious though. I’m not sure how you can make money or even a career out this type of work.

I’m sorry you’re not sure about that.

Is there money to be made in tracking lint?

Maybe. I’ll never tell.

Dr. Röb, thanks for taking the time to talk with us today. Now I’m off to get drunk in a probably futile attempt to destroy any memories I have of this meeting.