cognitive dissonance

Today I’m talking to President George Bush (currently being impersonated by Dr. Patrick Finerty, who doesn’t really look or sound like the President but, what the hell else is he gonna do?) about his life as president of the USA. Mr. President, I have to say you’re not looking so good today, possibly as though you haven’t slept for a couple of days and, I’m not sure how to ask you this, but, are you drunk right now?

Well, I have to admit that I’ve loaded up on booze and quaalude’s and a touch of coke as well (just to take the edge off the alcohol, ya know). But really, how the H E double toothpicks can you ask the President that sort of question?

Mr. President, you’re freakin’ weird sometimes. What’s the one thing that you’d like the American people to remember about your presidency?

It was interesting. Also that they learned things. Learned about how great this country can be when we all pull together, like those nice families down in Texas, pullin’ together, maybe too close sometimes but stayin’ together and fightin’ for each other.

So, that’s two things Mr. President. Anyway, that doesn’t seem to matter much any more since, uh, you’re talking about the polygamists down in Texas, right? The ones who were marrying 14 year old girls to 60 year old men?

I’m just sayin’ that America pulled together once and we can do it again. If we all just pull together real hard, give it our best, we can prevail at anything.

Are you saying that we can defeat the Iraqis by simply having a unified opinion about the war?

Listen Bobby, you don’t mind if I call you Bobby, right? Listen, Americans are only being shown  negative impressions of our efforts of winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqian people. Now, put yourself in the Iraqian’s shoes, or sandals, or, uh, in, uh, place, their place and think how you would feel if you saw all of America saying they were in it until every last Iraqian had tasted the sweet fruit of democracy.

Bobby, they would know. They. Would. Know.

What would they know, Mr. President?

That we’re gonna win. That we’re not going anywhere. Ever. For. like, what did Johnny Mac say? Ten thousand years we’re gonna be there, growing democracy on big ol’ American democracy trees so the Iraqians can taste that sweet fruit. It’s too bad they don’t drink though, it tastes great with vodka.

So, projecting a positive attitude will win the war? Doesn’t that seem a little simplistic to you? Don’t you think they want us to leave and will keep trying to kill us pretty much until can’t any more, since we have killed them? Do you see this as a fight to the end?

Wow Bobby, that’s some depressing crap, man. Why are you trying to bring me down like that? Hell, it’s freakin’ Friday and I’ve been waiting all day to chill and this is the last thing between me and not thinking for the rest of the day and you put it like that? I think I need a nap now, you’re making me too sad. I know the Iraqians want to taste democracy and I won’t be remembered as the President who quit trying to help them get it.

Right. Good luck with that. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today.